Blog #2 - Jeez, they didn't spare the scalpel !!

Those awful words cut deeper than the surgeon’s scalpel.

Welcome back to my blog. This round I’ll be doing a deeper dive into the power of words; words spoken; thoughts voiced as words; how words land; and how words can uplift or damage. I wish to share some personal experiences and ponderings into the absolute power of our words; and in particular how some pretty diabolical words affected me.

Since requiring extensive surgery on my face in 2018 and countless surgeries since, I’ve received some real doosies of words about my aesthetics. Here’s a few standouts:

• “Jeez, they didn’t spare the scalpel” These words trump all the others! For context, these words were delivered by a man after he saw my photo. A man that was potentially wanting to go on a date. My first thought was “thank you for showing me who you are”, and my second thought “fuck off”.
  

• “He probably thought you were a witch” This was an inside job, words delivered by a male friend after I had light-heartedly told a story about me answering my front door for the postie; looking glam in dressing gown and uggs. I was making light of my homeless look. He immediately voiced his thoughts into words, and laughed as he delivered them.
  

• “My husband told me if I looked like you, he would leave me” These words were delivered by a friend of a friend. She seemed oblivious to the dumbfounded look on my face. I’d suggest some diplomacy and empathy coaching may assist.
  

• “It’s just such a shame, you used to be so attractive” More words delivered by a male friend, at least half a dozen times. Cheers, and thanks for pointing out the bleeding obvious.

Let’s be clear, I’m not preaching this because I’m perfect. I’ve said some awful words in my 5+ decades here. Not heaps, but most certainly I’ve been guilty of using words I regret. Often, with the passing of time and reflection, I have apologised. Sometimes I haven’t apologised because I didn’t have any need.

The focus here is on my looks, which apparently can make some people awfully uncomfortable. Let me say this – let’s take your discomfort level and I’ll raise it by 100. That’s my discomfort level. And this discomfort is made up of 20% looks and 80% actual physical discomfort and pain. Every Single Day. My face has endured upwards of 60 hours of intricate surgery and 33 rounds of radiation. The surgery was horrendous, but the radiation nearly killed me.

So where is my face left several years later, how did all that trauma land? In a 24 hour period, I’d say I have 1-2 hours where I can feel a level of calm in my face. This comfort is achieved via a hot steamy shower, and in the short-term afterglow of painkillers. The rest of the time I’m managing and trying to mask neve pain; itches I cannot seem to scratch; random throbbing pain; using steam and saline sprays to unblock my nostrils; using eye-drops to alleviate dry eye (as I lost my right tear duct); constant dabbing of Vaseline for nose, eyes and lips; and my favourite discovery Avene thermal spring water spray (keep one in every room, handbag and the car). I have to be constantly at it. If I haven’t had a steamy shower by 3-4pm I’m toast – and it's critical I get in there. Often have 2 showers a day, sometimes 3, as it’s truly the place I feel my best. My dream is to purchase a Swedish steam sauna for outside! Steamy saunas are my Nirvana!

Other fun things include eating. What a shit show this is for me. I have no upper teeth. I do have 6 implants installed, which were ready for a full bridge denture. Then the doctors fucked my upper lip, so a denture doesn’t work well as the lip coverage is poor. Imagine eating with just the lower teeth – I do use the upper implants as teeny pseudo teeth – but they certainly wouldn’t chow through a t-bone very effectively.

My happier food choices remain soft, pasta, risotto, veggies-with-the-shit-cooked-outta-them, smoothies, lasagna of course! Now and again I will seek out a top-shelf eye fillet that I can cut with a fork! I’m less worried about the food thing  – but sometimes I’d give my eye teeth (pardon the pun) to bite into a burger with the lot. And I’m not a massive fan of eating out for several reasons, but I try.

So my poor face is pretty sore and fucked up most of the time. I don’t feel like I have a lot of choices but to endure it, manage it the best I can and avoid shallow assholes who cannot look past the outer shell. I might add, the blokes who took issue with my looks (in the quotes above) are no fucking oil paintings themselves. But, this was a non-issue for me – does this make me odd? Maybe. But the older I get I’m only interested in whether you are in fact an asshole, or you’re not. It is a people judgement system that works well for me. These blokes were assholes.

Now I also don’t live in a kumbaya fantasy where the people of the world are all kind, empathetic, and can see through to the souls of others and past the outer shell. The app “Tinder” clearly demonstrates the value placed on looks, and looks only. I’ve thought about putting my face up on Tinder as a social experiment, but not sure I need any further unnecessary abuse from assholes! But it would be interesting.

Of course looks are the first thing we see – a person’s face, their smile, their eyes are so unique to all of us. If someone looks different it’s a natural reaction to wonder what happened, and perhaps look at them a little longer. I get this. It’s a normal curiosity and I have experienced this many many times. It’s when people keep looking, staring… that’s when I look them directly in the eyes till they look away uncomfortably.

These are the negative aspects and reactions I’ve had about my looks. If people place a very large emphasis on judging others by their looks only, then they are simply not my people. I do believe if you are going to be that person who judges others solely on looks, you’d better first make sure you look shit hot – because in my experience you don’t!!!

My people are the people who I truly feel ok with – I know they don’t give two-hoots how I look. I know they wish I were more physically comfortable and not in pain; and this is their main concern for me. My face is just a non-issue for them. They are intelligent enough to recognise there’s a little bit more to me than my face!! I salute them, what would I do and where would I be without them? Doesn’t bare thinking about. My kids, extended family and inner circle of trusted and beloved friends – we are a mixed bag, a motley crew, a range of looks, a range of knowledge and experiences – all cooked up together to make a most colourful and interesting smorgasbord! I love y’all 😊

I’ve had Asians come up to me on a few occasions and politely ask me “what happened to your face”. I’ve taken zero offence to this, as it was not asked rudely, but curiously and with no judgement. I’ve responded by telling them I had a deadly cancer removed and needed much reconstruction and radiation. Their responses are always along the lines of “keep strong and I’ll pray for you”. I assume it’s a cultural thing, and I really like it. Honest. Straight. No bullshit. No judgement. No mean-ness.

Back to the words and lets summarise! The assholes above voiced their words the second after they thought them. Imagine the power of a pause before voicing them? Not everyone is capable of a pause, or capable of empathy or diplomacy. We’ve all voiced words and instantly regretted them. But once said, they are said, and it can be difficult and sometimes impossible to take them back. I have learned a lot from those shitty words that were said to me. I have absorbed the lesson; I’m not at all confident the offenders will, but we send thoughts and prayers to them 😊

Their nasty words affected me, not in a good way. They made me feel ugly, different, not worthy, insecure, sad, reclusive and basically shit. Their words required me to take a period of re-adjustment to boost myself up again; and to remind myself some people are just fucking dumb, and not to let their cruel and ignorant words get me down. To spend time with my own people and absorb their kindness, and let it be balm on my sore face and weary soul.

If you do see someone out and about who looks different – do not stare at them. And FFS don’t tell (or imply) someone who looks different they are ugly – as this just confirms you’re the ugly one in reality. At the end of the day, just think about your words before you launch them; and try to just be fucking kind, it’s not that hard!!!

With love, Amanda xx

“What you do, the way you think makes you beautiful"

F. Scott Fitzgerald

A witchy-poo with a new doo 😉